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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25547059">would it be enough if i could never give you peace?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters'>panlesters</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>2009 Phan, 2012 Phan, Angst, Anxiety, Christmas, Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage Proposal, modern day phan, physical affection</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:28:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,347</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25547059</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They've been through a lot, over the years. Some days are harder than others, but they are each other's constant.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>106</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. the devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>oof folklore really gave me the angst bug i guess. not super angsty? but angsty for me lmaoo <br/>this is gonna be four or five chapters i havent really decided yet but fingers crossed! <br/>enjoy! <br/>title and chapter titles come from peace by taylor swift</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>01:38 </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Phil: hey are you still up </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Phil: i saw your tweets i just wanna check you’re okay </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Phil: it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it but i’m here for you </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Phil: i can ring you if you want </strong>
</p>
<p>The tweets hadn’t really been anything bad, he supposes. Nothing out of the ordinary for Dan, really. Nothing that any of his followers would have been able to pick up on as anything more than his normal cynical attitude, anyway. But it didn’t sit right with Phil. And this is his friend. His friend who, he’s aware, sometimes goes through some bad days and needs a gentle reminder that there’s someone out there in his corner, wanting to help or at least offer some words of support. He wants to be that someone for Dan. He wants to be that person for Dan for a long time to come, although they haven’t really discussed that yet. Things are still new, and he doesn’t want to come on too strong. But the way their friendship has grown is a bit strange, when he thinks about it. They’ve only known each other a few months but he feels like they’re best friends. He can’t remember a time when he felt so close to someone. He thinks they could tell each other anything. He’d like to imagine that one day they might be… something more. It’s too soon for that, though. Especially when he still feels like he’s overstepping by messaging Dan in the dead of night to find out if he’s okay because of a hunch.</p>
<p>A good ten minutes have passed before Phil gives up and decides that he must have missed Dan. He sighs and curls in on himself a little at the thought of Dan on his own in the dark, feeling sad and lonely, with no one there to offer comfort. He wishes Dan would have messaged him first, that he had seen the tweets sooner, that he could have picked it up in the short conversations they had today. Maybe that had been the first sign.</p>
<p>
  <strong>01:52</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Phil: ok never mind you’re asleep </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Phil: i’ll leave you in peace lol </strong>
</p>
<p>That’ll do, he decides. There’s no real need to send any more messages. He’s been annoying enough. He leans over to his lamp and switches off the light, rolling on to his side and closes his eyes. He wills sleep to come soon, so he can wake up in the morning and see Dan’s reply about how he was fine all along and Phil was just reading too much into it, but that he’s grateful that Phil cares. That’s the best possible outcome, he decides. After that might be that Dan wasn’t having a good time but that Phil’s messages made him smile and reminded him he’s loved. But the worst case scenario? Dan not answering at all. Or telling Phil to fuck off, mind his own business.</p>
<p>He lies awake another few minutes stewing over that thought before he has to act on it to preserve his own sanity and sleep schedule. He turns on his phone again, squinting painfully down at the bright screen, the lack of notifications taunting him.</p>
<p>
  <strong>02:05</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Phil: sorry </strong>
</p>
<p>It’s not perfect by a long shot, but he’s said too much already. It settles his brain enough to be able to fall asleep, and that will do.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Phil wakes up, it’s to his phone vibrating violently into his arm. He groans loudly before his sleep-hazed mind remembers the messages he had sent Dan last night. Without properly opening his eyes he fumbles with his phone, jabbing his fingers on the screen until he hears Dan’s voice, muffled and quiet through the speaker.</p>
<p>“Hullo?” Phil mumbles as he presses the phone to his ear.</p>
<p><em>“Hey,”</em> Dan breathes down the phone. There’s silence between them for a second, and Phil has to force himself to open his eyes, lest he fall asleep again. <em>“Um.” </em></p>
<p>“Yeah,” Phil mumbles out, shuffling over in his bed until he’s comfortable. “Sorry about… all that, last night.”</p>
<p>Dan huffs a laugh, but Phil thinks there’s something else behind it.</p>
<p><em>“Phil,” </em>he says, <em>“What the fuck are you sorry for?” </em></p>
<p>“I don’t know,” he says, “I overstepped a bit, I guess.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“What makes you think that?” </em>
</p>
<p>Phil sighs, and stares blearily at the duvet in front of him, finally reaching over to get his glasses.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” he says again, pausing. “I’m not very good at this,” he says eventually.</p>
<p><em>“Phil,” </em>Dan says gently, <em>“It really means a lot to me that you asked.” </em>Phil can hear the deep breath Dan takes. <em>“I didn’t think… you’d be able to tell. That I wasn’t really okay.” </em></p>
<p>“It just didn’t really read like it normally does,” Phil says, watching his hands as he tries to get his words right. “I thought I’d better ask if you were alright and then, I guess I just dug myself into a hole afterwards. I don’t wanna annoy you.”</p>
<p><em>“You’re definitely not annoying,” </em>Dan tells him, in a voice that sounds sincere in a way Phil’s never heard before. <em>“You know you’re like my best friend, yeah?”</em></p>
<p>“Really?” Phil asks in a small voice. He’s been calling Dan that in his head for a long time, but he never stopped to ask if the feeling was mutual.</p>
<p><em>“Really,” </em>Dan says. <em>“You’re never gonna annoy me, Phil. No one’s ever cared enough about me to pick up on that shit if I don’t want them to.” </em></p>
<p>“Dan-”</p>
<p><em>“Bother me, Phil,” </em>he says, with a laugh that sounds almost sad. <em>“No one’s ever bothered me before. I want to be bothered. Don’t ever fucking leave me in peace, I’m over it.” </em></p>
<p>Phil huffs a laugh and runs a hand through his hair.</p>
<p>“Okay,” he says, “I’ll make sure I bother you every day.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“You better.” </em>
</p>
<p>“I will,” Phil promises. “Starting now, I’ll make sure you never get a moment’s peace.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“I’ll hold you to that.” </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this chapter feels kind of incoherent but im honestly too tired to do anything about that right now<br/>enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Phil’s not sure where Dan is. He’s not in the house. Phil dials his number, and he hears the ringtone in the kitchen, where his phone lies forgotten. His coat is not hanging up, his shoes are not on the rack. He hadn’t mentioned that today was a bad day, but Phil knows that most days are pretty bad, right now.</p><p>He waits up for him. He always does, whenever he disappears. He hates the idea of Dan, already in a shitty mood, coming home to a dark house and no dinner on the side, no mug of hot chocolate, no kiss on the forehead waiting for him. Phil puts some Buffy on the TV to comfort himself, because on nights like this he needs something to distract him from his own anxieties, and wraps himself up in their massive fluffy blanket. There’s space for Dan in here if he wants it, when he gets in. Phil always makes sure to leave space for Dan, especially on days like today.</p><p>Phil is almost falling asleep when he hears the door opening downstairs. He jolts awake and, once he’s found his bearings, he gets up and wanders into the kitchen to pull down two mugs from the cabinet.</p><p>There are footsteps up the stairs, and then padded socks in the hallway. He turns around to see Dan, small and shy, stood in the door to their kitchen. His coat is still round his shoulders, his hair is wet and curly from the rain. Phil coos softly, and walks over to gently push his coat from his shoulders, pressing that kiss to his damp forehead and mothering him just a little more as he walks into the kitchen.</p><p>He looks tired. He looks <em>exhausted</em>, more emotionally drained than he did when Phil last saw him, and now he can tell that today has been an especially bad day. They happen sometimes. He internally kicks himself for missing it, but instead of dwelling on that, he pushes aside the thought and runs a hand through Dan’s hair.</p><p>“Alright?” he says softly. Dan nods blankly, reaching for his phone on the side.</p><p>“You rang me,” he says quietly.</p><p>“Just checking up on you,” Phil says, matching the soft tone. He’s learnt to judge what it is that Dan needs on these days.</p><p>“Sorry,” he says.</p><p>“S’okay,” Phil says, because he’s not really sure what else there is for him to say.</p><p>“S’not really though, is it?” Dan says, looking at the floor.</p><p>“Dan,” Phil starts, although he’s not really sure where he’s going with it.</p><p>“Don’t mean to make you worry,” he says quietly. “I just…”</p><p>“Hey,” Phil says, lifting an arm for Dan to slide himself under. “Let me make you a hot chocolate, yeah? We can talk about this in a bit.” He presses another kiss to Dan’s forehead. “Go and put some pjs on, before you make yourself ill.”</p><p>He watches Dan go, already missing his presence and wishing he could wrap his arms around Dan’s form and hold him until the bad feelings melt away. It aches that it doesn’t work like that. He sighs, turning back to their drinks.</p><p>Dan’s sat in the living room when Phil is finished with the drinks. He’s curled up in the spot Phil left under the blanket, staring at the floor in front of him.</p><p>“Hey,” Phil says gently, catching his attention before he hands him a drink.</p><p>“Hey,” Dan echoes. He sounds slightly more himself, and Phil smiles softly.</p><p>“Better?” Phil asks as he pulls the blanket back and settles in next to him. Dan nods, blowing cool air over the top of his mug, cupping it with his hands.</p><p>“Thank you,” Dan says weakly. Phil doesn’t reply, just leans over and presses one more kiss to his temple.</p><p>“You wanna talk about it?” Phil asks after a few moments of quiet. He doesn’t look over at Dan, knowing that he’s better at voicing these things when there are no eyes on him. He gives Dan the time and space he needs, looking down into his mug of hot chocolate while he waits for Dan to find the right words.</p><p>“I kind of feel like I’m dragging you down.”</p><p>That’s a surprise. It has Phil looking up at him with a frown, fighting the urge to reach out and touch him, to give him immediate assurance of the opposite. But he doesn’t. He knows Dan needs space to make his thoughts coherent.</p><p>“What makes you think that?”</p><p>“I just…” Dan pauses, frowns. Phil looks away again. “You’re so much better at this than me. I get so angry so quickly, and people <em>notice</em>, and…” he takes a breath, and once again Phil is fighting the urge to reach out to him. “I just feel like there’d be so much less shit for you if I wasn’t here.”</p><p>Phil looks back up, and this time the urge gets the better of him. He reaches out and finds Dan’s curly locks quickly, threading his fingers through them the way he knows Dan likes.</p><p>“I feel like a shit magnet,” he says after a few moments of quiet.</p><p>“You don’t smell like one,” is the most helpful thing Phil can think of to say. It makes Dan smile, so he counts it as a win.</p><p>“Really, Phil,” he says, “I don’t think you’d get half as much grief if I wasn’t here making things difficult.”</p><p>Phil frowns. He’s not sure how to word this, but he knows what he’s feeling.</p><p>“Dan,” he says quietly, “I don’t care about that.” Dan frowns. “Well. I <em>do</em> care about it but. I care about you more. I care about having you here, with me, more than any amount of grief I might get.” The hand in Dan’s hair hasn’t stopped moving, and he really hopes it says all the things he’s not sure how to word. “What I want is you. I don’t want to change that. This ‘if I wasn’t here’ shit? I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want to imagine my life without you in it.”</p><p>The look Dan gives him is one that says he hadn’t even thought about it like that, and it rips a hole in Phil’s chest. These days throw rationality out the window, and it’s Phil’s job now to help collect the pieces and remind him of what it is that he wants.</p><p>“Having an easy life means nothing without you,” he says. He makes sure he’s looking into Phil’s eyes as he says it. He needs this to hit home. “I don’t want to imagine that life. I want you here. Whatever happens, happens. We can deal with the bad shit. But I don’t want you going anywhere, okay?” Dan nods. He looks like he might cry, so Phil leans over to take his hot chocolate away before he’s tugging Dan across into his arms. They stay like that a while, Phil’s hand in Dan’s hair, his chin digging into Dan’s shoulder. He knows that these words will be difficult for Dan to hear and comprehend today. It’s okay. He’ll keep saying them until Dan is able to accept it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Phil doesn’t want to talk to anyone today. He’s not sure what made it happen, but he can feel the anxiety bubbling up in his chest, overwhelmed by every little noise, every interaction. He’s still in bed, alone, and he thinks he wants to stay alone. Which doesn’t happen often, especially on anxious days. Normally, Dan’s presence calms him, makes him feel loved and comforted, even when his mind is running at a thousand miles an hour. But today, he doesn’t really feel like he’d be able to handle the small talk, the little jokes, any of it.</p><p>He turns his phone on to airplane mode as soon as he’s done answering the first lot of notifications. He can’t cope with the stress of interacting with all these people today. He just hopes that when he turns airplane mode off later in the day that the sudden rush of notifications doesn’t send him spiralling back down into this pit of stress. But that’s a problem for afternoon Phil.</p><p>He doesn’t want to get up. He knows he’ll see Dan on his way to the kitchen, and he doesn’t know that he wants to see him this morning. Which <em>hurts</em>, because that’s not right at all. He doesn’t really want to see anyone. He wants to sit on their sofa, scroll through Twitter all day, and not interact with a single person.</p><p>Of all people, he knows that Dan would understand that. He just doesn’t want to have to explain it. It sounds rude, it might make Dan think he’s done something wrong, when really it’s Phil’s stupid brain that’s wrong. Maybe he should just say that. But then he doesn’t really want to be doted on today. He wants to be left alone. God, he sounds like a grumpy old sod. That might make him laugh any other day. Today it just makes him feel worse.</p><p>Eventually, he drags himself out of bed. He stands and stretches and sighs when it doesn’t make him feel better. His limbs ache a little less at least. He’ll call it a victory because he feels like he needs one of those today.</p><p>He pads out into the hallway in bare feet, irritated by the cold floor but unable to find the energy to pull on some socks. He’ll deal with it, he supposes.</p><p>He tries to be quiet as he walks past the living room where he can hear the tap-tap of fingers on a keyboard. He doesn’t want to make his presence known; he doesn’t think he’d be able to hold a conversation right now.</p><p>“Morning,” Dan calls from the sofa, because of course he heard Phil. Phil makes a grunt in reply and hears Dan laugh. He doesn’t make any move towards Dan, doesn’t ask if he wants a drink or how he slept or any of that weird morning small talk they have. He just walks on by into the kitchen, pulling a mug down and boiling the kettle. The sound doesn’t frustrate him like he thought it would, and maybe that’s another little victory today.</p><p>When he’s got a coffee, he heads into the living room. He’s hesitant just outside the door, because he’s not really sure what he’s going to have to put up with once he walks in there.</p><p>He could always go back to bed. But he’s not really sure that’s what he wants either. The more he thinks about it, the more he finds he doesn’t actually want to be alone. He just doesn’t really want to interact. Sitting in the room with Dan doesn’t mean interacting. But it does mean having a comforting presence, one he knows he would benefit from. He takes a deep breath, and steps in.</p><p>Dan looks up, and Phil already sees the concern cross his face. He hasn’t looked in a mirror this morning. He doesn’t know how bad he looks, how much the anxiety has made its home on his face.</p><p>“Alright?” Dan asks. His voice is soft and Phil is grateful for it. He couldn’t handle anything louder than that level. He just nods, slowly and silently, and settles down on the other end of the sofa. There’s a hand that reaches across to gently circle his bare arm and he looks up at Dan. There’s something in his eyes that Phil can’t place, as his thumb slowly moves back and forth across Phil’s forearm. The touch makes him feel more comforted than he expected it to, and he suddenly feels the desperate urge to curl up on Dan’s lap like some giant cat and just be fussed over in silence all day. Maybe he does want to be doted on after all. He lets his eyes meet Dan’s, and there’s kindness there, ready to meet whatever needs Phil might have.</p><p>“Sure?” Dan says after another moment of silence. Phil takes a deep breath and shrugs. “What?”</p><p>Phil’s not sure how to word this strange stress he’s feeling right now. He doesn’t know if he could even really put together a sentence today for how his brain is fried.</p><p>“Bad day,” he says eventually. Dan coos and tightens his hand a little, tugging gently until Phil begins to shuffle. He stops after a second, because he knows that’s not the end of it. “Don’t really wanna talk,” he says quietly.</p><p>“That’s okay bub,” Dan says. It’s not long before there’s a hand threading into his hair and God, this is what he needed. “We don’t have to talk about it.”</p><p>“Don’t really wanna talk at all,” Phil says. He shuffles slowly until Dan moves his laptop and his head finds purchase in the empty space on his lap. His eyes fall closed and he feels fingers begin to run through his fringe.</p><p>“Okay baby,” Dan whispers. And he doesn’t say anything else. Of course he doesn’t. This is Dan, who really understands everything about Phil better than anyone else ever has or could. He lets Phil settle properly before his free hand comes down to trace shapes into his arm, light fingertips and nails sending shivers of contentment down Phil’s spine. His hair is pulled back from his forehead by delicate fingers, which run down and stroke over his eyes, his temples, his cheeks, his lips. In this strange, comfortable but anxious haze, he puckers his lips against Dan’s fingertips. The hand on his arm offers a little scritch-scratch in return and Phil relaxes again.</p><p>He falls asleep somewhere down the line. When he wakes up, there’s a blanket over him and his head has moved from Dan’s lap to the side of his leg. He can hear the quiet hum of Dan’s laptop and he lies still, eyes staying closed. He’s not sure whether his mood has really improved enough to be able to talk, so he takes one more deep breath and drifts back to sleep.</p><p>The next time he wakes up, there’s a hand in his hair, petting absentmindedly. Dan’s laptop has been discarded and when Phil opens his eyes and looks up, Dan is scrolling through his phone. His hand moves with Phil’s head and he looks down at Phil, smiling softly when their eyes meet. He doesn’t ask how Phil is, he doesn’t say ‘good afternoon, sleepy head’, he doesn’t even whisper a hello. Phil misses it, so the nap must have done him some good. He feels some warmth flutter in his chest when Dan doesn’t say anything, though. He really just wants for Phil to be happy and comfortable. He turns his head, presses a kiss into Dan’s thigh.</p><p>“Hi,” he says softly. Dan scratches his fingers into Phil’s scalp and he curls into it like a cat.</p><p>“Hey you,” Dan murmurs. There it is, that gentle tenderness, that loving, fond voice that Phil has waited all day to want to hear. He slowly lets himself up. Dan’s hand falls to his shoulder and runs down his arm gently as he resettles himself upright. When he’s sat up, he leans across to cup Dan’s chin in his hand, and presses a kiss to Dan’s lips, tender, saying all the words he hasn’t been able to say today. When they break away, Dan’s eyes stay closed a few seconds, his lips still puckered, as if they just shared their first kiss all over again. Phil can’t resist pressing one more kiss to those lips, since they’re his for the taking.</p><p>“What was that for?” Dan whispers. His eyes have opened now, and Phil feels overwhelmed again under that gaze, in a completely different way.</p><p>“A thank you,” Phil says softly, “For looking after me today.” Dan smiles, his hand reaching up to stroke a thumb across Phil’s cheek.</p><p>“Of course,” Dan says, “Love you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. family that i chose, now that i see your brother as my brother</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>it's the end! thank you to everyone who's read and commented, i've really enjoyed writing this short lil collection and i hope you've all enjoyed reading it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Meeting the Lesters for the first time had been terrifying for Dan. He had looked like he was about to turn and run when they made it to Phil’s front door and the car was in the drive. But he’d bravely stepped inside, to the smell of the Christmas tree and spiced cookies. He had taken the hug Phil’s mum had offered him and stiffly wrapped his arms around her tiny frame, telling her it was so nice to meet her and her cooking smelt amazing. He was always so eager to impress Kath and Nigel, even before they knew he was their son’s boyfriend. It was always so important to him, and it warmed Phil’s heart from the very start. It was one of those things that made him realise he was slipping from really liking Dan, to being in love with him.</p><p>It’s almost impossible to connect those few days in 2009 to the people stood in front of him now. He’d popped out to the shop to get some milk and a secret bottle of champagne, and when he’d arrived back he’d been welcomed by this scene. Dan is stood at the table with Kath, helping her roll out this year’s pastry for her mince pies, nattering away about how it had been such a shame to see so little of her the last couple of years and how he’s missed seeing her and Nigel so much. He stands in the doorway for a few moments, just watching it play out. He thinks if he doesn’t make his presence known soon, though, his heart might turn to jelly and fall out his trouser leg. So he clears his throat and walks through to pop the milk in the fridge, giving his mother a quick look that he hopes Dan doesn’t see or interpret.</p><p>The house is still relatively quiet, because Martyn and Cornelia aren’t due to arrive for another couple of hours. Phil makes himself useful by digging out the jar of homemade mincemeat from the cupboard and trying to spoon the mix into the pastry cases on the baking tray. Between them, they make enough mince pies for Dan to take some back to share with the Howells on the day after Boxing Day. This is one of Phil’s favourite things about being out: finally being able to share Christmases with Dan. It’s what he’s wanted all these years, to be able to wake up on his favourite day of the year next to his favourite person in the world. This is Christmas number three of being out, and they’ve taken it in turns to visit relatives for Christmas. Last year was Christmas with the Howells, and now it’s Kath’s turn to have her boys back again. She had told Phil when they arrived how huge and quiet the house had felt without him last year, and he promises to give her enough attention to last her for another Christmas to come.</p><p>When Nigel gets home from doing the last of the Christmas shopping, he says hello to Dan with a handshake and a manly side hug, which Phil laughs at while Dan attempts to hide his awkward distaste for the gesture. Martyn and Cornelia aren’t far behind him, getting in just as the sun starts to set over the sea.</p><p>Martyn greets Kath with a kiss on the forehead before opening his arms for a big hug with Phil.</p><p>“Hey, little brother,” he says as he squeezes tight, “Good to have you back.”</p><p>“Good to be back,” Phil says, “Although I have to say I am missing the dog content from last Christmas. Maybe we can convince mum to get one if we promise to stay longer over holidays.” Martyn rolls his eyes and laughs, moving on to Dan.</p><p>“And here’s baby brother,” he says, offering a hug to Dan.</p><p>“Fuck off, you’re literally the shortest here,” he laughs as he embraces Martyn.</p><p>“Daniel, that’s a pound in the swear jar please,” Kath says sternly. Dan groans and pulls out his wallet, handing Kath a coin. It had been installed in the Lester household as a joke many Christmases ago, but when they started to seriously think about having kids, Kath made it a permanent rule to try and rid Dan of his filthy mouth. So far, it isn’t working.</p><p>“Yeah <em>Dan</em>,” Martyn teases, “Wash your fucking mouth out.”</p><p>“Mar,” Kath says, giving him a look. Martyn splutters out a few inhuman noises.</p><p>“I’m not the one having kids,” he protests.</p><p>“You’ll be babysitting and you know it,” she says with a laugh, holding out a hand for Martyn to pay up.</p><p>“Unbelievable,” he mutters.</p><p>Phil finds the time in there to offer a massive hug to Cornelia, who grins and tugs him down to her level by the arm.</p><p>“Is today the day?” she whispers softly into his ear.</p><p>“It is,” Phil whispers back. She grins and squeezes his arm before letting go. He’s not told Martyn about this, but Cornelia has always been a sort of confidante to him, ever since the early days. She was the first person he told.</p><p>“Dan?” she says, laughing when his face lights up.</p><p>“Corn!” he says, opening his arms and pulling her into a hug. She makes a heaving noise as she reaches up around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to his temple.</p><p>“How are you?” she asks, rubbing his arm with her thumb as it trails down.</p><p>“Good,” he says, “Really good.” She smiles genuinely at him and Phil’s heart flutters. It’s so incredibly beautiful, watching everyone come together at Christmas like long lost relatives. It’s strange how other people might think that what he’s about to do is what officially welcomes his significant other into the family. Dan has been a part of the family since the very beginning, when he walked into a house that loved and accepted who he was without a second thought. Since Kath opened her arms the morning after finding out Dan was her son’s boyfriend, and told him that he always, <em>always</em> had a place at their dinner table. Since Nigel had awkwardly shaken his hand and called him “son”, since Martyn had joked about having a brother in law for the first time. Dan had never needed a ring to be called a Lester. He’s been one the entire time.</p><p>It’s after dinner that Phil’s ready to make his move. He gives his mum a quick look and she nods subtly to him.</p><p>“Dan and Phil, would you like to go and buy us some pudding?” she asks, getting up and collecting the plates up.</p><p>“Absolutely,” Dan says, grinning. Phil rolls his eyes. He’s just as much of a sugar lover as Phil is, really. He just controls it better.</p><p>The sun set a few hours ago and the lack of light pollution on the island means more stars being visible than either of them are really used to. They make their way out towards the supermarket and decide together that something with pastry and fruit and custard is what they need on this cold, wintery night. Comfort food, Phil says decidedly.</p><p>They’re walking back when Phil takes a deep breath and decides it might be time.</p><p>“Hey,” he says, “Let’s take a detour?”</p><p>“What about the pudding?” Dan asks. “Won’t it defrost?”</p><p>“It’s cold enough out here,” Phil shrugs, “We won’t be long, I promise.”</p><p>They end up on a path to the beach, lit by a few old yellow street lamps, the silence broken by the sound of the tide coming in in the distance.</p><p>“What are we doing?” Dan asks with a laugh, rubbing his hands together to warm them.</p><p>“Well,” Phil says, laughing, pushing his hands into his coat pockets awkwardly to find the ring box. “I wanted to ask you something, actually.”</p><p>“What the fuck could you want to ask that needs saying in the cold on a creepy old path in the middle of-”</p><p>When he stops abruptly, Phil knows the penny has dropped. A little earlier than he would’ve liked, but that’s really his own fault. Dan is grinning, huffing a laugh that releases a puff of vapour from his mouth, turning and walking in a tiny circle, trying to contain himself.</p><p>“Dan,” he says, giggling a little. Neither of them can really hide their excitement now.</p><p>“You fucker,” he says with a laugh, shaking his head as he moves from foot to foot, unable to stand still.</p><p>“Dan,” Phil says, more insistently, reaching out a hand to find Dan’s. Dan lets his hand be taken easily and rolls his eyes, taking another deep breath and watching Phil with the biggest grin. “Fuck, I’ve been preparing a whole speech, stop looking at me like that, it’s distracting.”</p><p>“How the fuck else am I meant to look at you?” Dan asks indignantly. “You’re about to bloody-”</p><p>“Turn around.”</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>“Turn around, so I can say this properly.”</p><p>“Phil, if this is the story we tell our children,” he begins, but he turns his back anyway. Phil rolls his eyes.</p><p>“Dan, I…” he stops and frowns. “Okay this is too weird, turn around again.”</p><p>When Dan turns around, Phil is on one knee, looking up at him with the most beautiful, adoring expression.</p><p>“Marry me?” he almost whispers it, but the world around them is silent, like it’s paused just for them.</p><p>“Of course, you spoon,” Dan says, laughing loudly and shaking his head. He pulls Phil up and presses their lips together insistently, cupping Phil’s jaw and laughing in between kisses. When they pull apart, Phil takes Dan’s hand to slide the ring on to his finger. “I love you, you idiot,” Dan says fondly. Phil rolls his eyes, intertwining their fingers and grinning despite himself when he feels the cold metal against his own skin. It feels like it was always meant to be there.</p><p>“Come on,” Phil says, tugging Dan’s hand gently, “There’s a bottle of champagne at home, and everyone’s waiting for us.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters</p></blockquote></div></div>
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